To Forgive Myself
by Sleigh Belle
Summary: They had both done things that they regretted. Maybe they could help each other forgive. Neji/Shika Really don't know how to explain the Yaoi friendship thing but it is there, now with lemony goodness. .P.S. spoilers to approximately MANGA 437
1. Chapter 1

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"How are you?"

"I'm good, alive." Neji replied with a small laugh.

"I am so sorry, I should have planned better, this never should have happened."

Staring deeply at his friend Neji saw how broken up he was about the results of their mission. "Shikamaru there was nothing you could have done. These were by far the most powerful shinobi we have ever faced. They also had abilities you could not account for. It was your first mission as leader and you did well."

"You almost died. God both you and Choji almost died. I should have planned better."

"Shikamaru, you're repeating yourself." Eyes looked up into his. "You do the best you can. Things happen in the heat of battle. Sometimes things go wrong. You learn from it and move on."

"But if you had died."

"Then you would have learned and your next team would have been that much more fortunate. Death is part of the life of a shinobi. I would not hold mine against you. Do not hold my almost death against yourself."

Hearing a soft knock against the door Shikamaru pulled himself together while Neji called out for the person to enter. The door slowly opened and Hinata Hyuga's head peaked around. "Niisan?"

"Hello Hinata-sama, would you like to come in?"

"If it would not be too much of a bother." She said with a slight blush. "I just wanted to make sure you were recovering well from your injuries. The family has been very worried."

"It is kind of you to worry Hinata-sama. Has everything been well with you?"

"Oh yes, I have been allowed back to normal training. I am trying very hard."

"That is good Hinata-sama but do not overextend yourself."

"Thank you for your concern Niisan. I would never do anything to inconvenience you or the family."

"It is not about inconvenience, Hinata-sama. I am just worried for your health. "

"Thank you Niisan. I hope you heal quickly. Please let me know if you need anything." Bowing her head she quickly turned and left the room.

Pondering the strange interaction for a moment Shikamaru turned to look at Neji, whose head hung in shame. "Be happy you can blame someone else for our injuries. The guilt is much worse when you are the direct cause of them."

Leaning his head back against his chair Shikamaru closed his eyes and pondered his role in his friends' injuries. Shaking his head he muttered "troublesome." He really didn't like being in charge, but Neji was right. It could have been worse.

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Shikamaru made his way home through the forest. He had just left Choji's house. His friend had gotten out of the hospital today and Shikamaru wanted to make sure he settled in okay. While he knew that Choji was physically alright the sight of his now thin friend just seemed wrong. He figured he would be able to relax more once Choji put on some more weight, and with the way he had been eating when he left, Shikamaru was pretty sure that would be happening soon.

As he made his way further into the forest he began to hear sounds of a fight. Going forward to investigate he saw Neji Hyuga having a fearsome battle with a couple of trees. Neji had only gotten out of the hospital the day before so Shikamaru didn't really think that this was probably a good idea.

As Neji did not even break stride when Shikamaru dropped down next to him Shikamaru reasoned that Neji had been perfectly aware of his presence. After waiting a few minutes he gave up on Neji actually acknowledging him. "Are you sure you should be training this hard this soon?"

"Yes"

"You're going to hurt yourself Neji."

"She's in the hospital again."

"Hinata?"

"Yes, she trained too hard. Her heart is still not up to it. They think they will need to do another surgery."

He never stopped hitting his inanimate opponents. Seeing the blood on his hand, Shikamaru started to worry. "Lady Tsunade can fix her Neji. Remember with Lee, if the Hokage didn't think she could do it she would tell her," having said that, Shikamaru put his hand on Neji's arm in an effort to stop him. Neji finally looked up into Shikamaru's eyes and the chunin could see the tears held in check.

"This is my fault. I know you blame yourself for what happened when we went to retrieve Sasuke but this _is_ my fault. There is no one else to blame."

Grasping the other boy's bicep Shikamaru squeezed to get his attention. "Yes you caused the initial injury, but you no longer carry the same intent. You be there for her now and stop carrying the blame. That will not help her."

Neji stared at him for another long minute before silently nodding his head. Arms falling to his side he sat down with his back leaning against one of the nearby trees. Closing his eyes and tilting his head back he just waited until Shikamaru came and sat besides him. Neither said anything just sat together for a long while with nothing but the noises of the forest between them.

Eventually Neji stood, briefly squeezing Shikamaru's shoulder he said, "I need to go, Hiashi will be worried if I do not check in." Shikamaru interpreted the silent thank you and got up to leave in the other direction. Both boys left with no further conversation but with much more peace then when they had come.


	2. Chapter 2

Neji made his way into the forest only half paying attention to his surroundings he was so disgusted with himself. He and Hanabi had it out again. It was nothing new, a game they had played since she had turned ten and realized that he and Hinata had spent the past year starting to heal their relationship. At first Hanabi used any insult she could to try and get a reaction out of him. She would comment on his skills, team, father, what ever she thought would get a rise from him she tried. Some worked others didn't but anytime it did she would use his curse seal against him as punishment.

Overtime he became less reactive and she became more creative. Finally she hit on the one thing guaranteed to get him to crack, Hinata. She'd insult and threaten her, mock their relationship until he would retaliate and she would form the familiar signs. Today had been no exception.

"I've seen you stare at her Neji. I know you want her," Hanabi had taunted.

"You see only what your sick mind wants to see Hanabi"

"You look at no other woman the way you look at her Neji. You may try and delude yourself into thinking you don't want her but I know you do."

He just gritted his teeth trying not to give into the urge to quip back.

"Maybe if you spent less time following her around like a puppy dog and more time looking at those around you, you could find a woman to relieve the need you so clearly have. …..Do you beat off to her Neji?" She said with a sneer.

The tick in his eye let her know she was getting close but he was still refusing to give in.

"Do you watch her at night Neji? Do you lie in bed and watch her shower? Wrap your hand around yourself imagining it is her on her knees in front of you sucking you off? Do you pretend it is her mouth you are coming into?"

He snapped. She finished the last hand seal just as his hand wrapped around her throat and she was pushed into the wall. She saw the anger in his eyes before he dropped her and fell to the floor clutching his head. As soon as the pain lessened he took quick survey of his surroundings surprised to find Hanabi crouched over his legs. As soon as she caught his eye she smirks.

"Looks like I hit a little too close for comfort with that one."

"Get away from me Hanabi. You had your fun but now it is time to let me get back to something that may actually be important. "

"I actually don't think I'm done with you for today Neji." Placing her hand on his inner thigh and rubbing she says, "I think I should just help relieve you of the want you so clearly have."

Bringing his knee up to knock her hand loose Neji sneers, "Like I would ever relieve an itch with you" and kicks her in the chest.

Flying away from him as she had been prepared to do Hanabi starts forming the seals drawing as much chakra as she can too make sure the pain is intense and long lasting. She was going to make him pay for that last remark.

The pain finally receded enough for Neji to become aware of his surroundings but still leaving him confused. He feels a wet heat on his cock and pushes into it relishing the unfamiliar pulling sensation. With sudden clarity Neji remembers where he is and who must be servicing him. Trying to ignore the sensation of Hanabi's mouth on him he gets to work on a plan. With out letting her know what he is up to Neji moans and thrusts his hips up. His hands come around to grab Hanabi's hair and pull her down on his cock. She starts to gag and pull back which gives him the opportunity to punch her in her unsuspecting face and bolt.

He would have loved to kill her but didn't think Hiashi would be that forgiving. So here he was in the woods trying to hid his shame and prepare for the punishment he knew was in store for him. As he neared his favorite spot in the woods he was surprised to feel another's presence. Not sure if he is up to company he activates his Byakugan.

Neji is surprised to see Shikamaru leaning against a tree crying. The two boys had gotten close since that failed mission to retrieve Sasuke. They played the occasional game of Shoji but mostly when one of them had something they needed to get off their chest they would come into the woods lean against a tree and talk. Not so much because of the advice the other gave but because of the advice they didn't. They let each other vent. Occasionally they would give another perspective but they let each other figure things out for themselves. It was a good friendship.

Hoping his friend's problem may help him forget his own Neji made his way toward Shikamaru. Laying his hand on Shikamaru's shoulder he is surprised to startle him. "What happened?" Shikamaru just keeps crying his arms wrapped around himself. Getting down to sit next to him Neji pokes him to get his attention. "Shika?"

Realizing Neji was not going to give up on finding out what is wrong Shikamaru looks up. "Asuma's dead Neji, two members of Akatsuki killed him!"

Neji's eyes widen as Shikamaru grabs his shirt and cries into his chest. He knows it shouldn't bother him. He knows his friend needs him to be there for him and on any other day at any other time this would not be a problem. Unfortunately he just came from being molested by his eleven year old cousin and the touching was bothering him.

Not just the touching. Shikamaru was telling him how it was his fault. He should have been able to stop what happened. He should have known what was going to happen and prevented it. While Neji _knew_ that Shikamaru was discussing himself with Asuma he couldn't help apply the accusations to himself. He should have known what Hanabi was up to. He should have been able to prevent it, stop it, stop it; he just needed Shikamaru to stop it. Not knowing what else to do he grabs his friend's shirt and stops his mouth with his own.

After one moment of stillness, of totally shock, Shikamaru's lips start to move on Neji's in a brutal kiss. He knows that Neji is not attracted to him just as he doesn't want Neji either but he needs something, something to make him forget his sensei's death. He'll analyze Neji's reasons later but for now he just runs his hand up into Neji's hair and plunges his tongue into the others mouth.

This is good. If he can react to Shikamaru whom he knows he knows he doesn't want then this is all just about his body's normal reaction to outside stimuli. He doesn't mean that he liked or wanted what his cousin had done to him. It was just his body. It didn't mean anything. Repeating this over and over in his brain he returns the savage kiss using his own hand to drag the one entwined in his hair down to his crotch.

Shikamaru tugs lightly on his hand when he realizes what Neji is doing. Coming back into his brain he thinks. 'Neji only comes here when he is upset. While he has never said anything he is pretty sure that Neji has feelings for his cousin Hinata. Something must have happened to make Neji react this way.' Letting Neji guide his hand Shikamaru starts to rub him through his pants.

As he feels his friend slowly start to get hard he catches a look of utter relief on Neji's face. Still trying to figure out what is going on Shikamaru slowly frees Neji's erection from his pants. Wrapping his hand around his friend he slides his thumb over the tip and pulls, still trying to analyze.

Hips bucking into the hand holding him Neji is relieved. This is the reassurance he needed. With no attraction to Shikamaru his body is still enjoying the feeling of being fondled by his friend. His breathing shortens to a pant, he loses track of the kiss until it falters off altogether, his hips jerk without his consent and finally he cums leaning back until he hits the ground.

After a moment the shame hits. He can't believe he just did that; used someone who was hurting to make himself feel better. A sharp squeeze on his dick makes him shoot back off the ground and look at his friend. Letting go Shikamaru rests back on his legs and asks, "Why?"

To ashamed to keep looking in Shikamaru's eyes Neji draws his legs up and rests his head on his knees. Staring down at his now flaccid member her tries to figure out how to word the explanation he knows he needs to give. Using the palm of his hand to rub the slight ache still in his head he runs explanation after explanation through his mind.

The palm rubbing his forehead, curse seal, Hanabi. Pieces start fitting themselves into place for Shikamaru. "Did Hanabi activate your curse seal?"

"Yes." Neji sighed out relieved that Shikamaru was starting to figure it out on his own.

"She has done this before. What was different?"

"This time when I came to she was touching me. Her mouth was touching me. I can still feel her sucking on me and the worst part. "At this Neji looks into Shikamaru's eyes with a plea to understand. "The worst part is for one moment I enjoyed it."

"Your first time?"

"Hn." Neji drops his forehead back to his knees.

"Neji it feels good. Every man on the planet knows it feels good. So what if you enjoyed it for a moment." Touching his shoulder to get his attention, Shikamaru waited until Neji looked into his eyes to continue. "You stopped her right?"

"Yeh I stopped her." Running Shikamaru's rationale through his head, eyes glazed over for a moment; there is one thing he still can't get to gel. Pulling back into focus he tells him. "I can't get rid of the feeling. I can't make it go away. How do I make it go away?"

Shikamaru remembered his first blow job, Temari of the Sand, the things that woman can do with her mouth. A slight smile gracing his lips he remembered the feeling then faded to a frown as he remembered it had followed him around for weeks. The moist heat, the suction, they would come upon him at the oddest moments. He knew Neji would keep remembering what his cousin did to him.

Running every scenario over in his mind he knew what he needed to do. He couldn't help Asuma but he could help Neji. Pay him back, finally, for the mission to retrieve Sasuke. Pushing on Neji's shoulders he tries to get his friend to lay back.

"What are you doing?"

"Let me do this Neji."

A long moment passes as the two boys stare into each others eyes, Neji doesn't understand but for some reason Shikamaru needs to do this just as much as Neji needs it done. Slowly he lets himself fall back against the ground. He raises his knee slightly, feeling uncomfortable and exposed.

His breath hitches as he feels Shikamaru wrap his hand around him pulling and tugging. After a few moments he starts letting his thoughts float away and just concentrating on the hand touching him. Muscles relaxing he is startled to feel Shikamaru's tongue lick up his slowly hardening length before he slips the crown inside and sucks. Neji bucks his hips and grabs Shikamaru's head forgetting about everything but the mouth on him.

Shikamaru tries every trick Temari ever taught him. He even throws in a few things that he had always thought she should try but was just too lazy to mention. From the way Neji was reacting he was right in thinking they would feel good. He can tell Neji is getting close. He times the strokes of his hand to the movement of his mouth ready to take over. He may be a good friend but he isn't a good enough friend to take a shot to the throat. One more second and….

Neji's mind went blank as pleasure swept over him. He opens his eyes to see a flushed Shikamaru smirking at him. He starts to sit up only to realize that the other boy had pushed his shirt up to let him cum on his own chest.

Throwing a rag at Neji he quips. "Always knew I could give someone a mind blowing orgasm if I just set my mind to it."

"Ok Shikamaru I'll admit it. You got skills" The smile sliding from his face he looks at his friend. "Seriously though, thank you."

Nodding he silently accepts the thanks. "So you think you'll be good?"

Getting up he holds out a hand to help the other off the ground. "Yeh no way it will be her I'm remembering after that." Laughing as he sees the other adjust himself. "Need a hand?"

"No I think I'm good. It's a pretty heady feeling making the normally cold Hyuga twist and moan like that. Actually turned me on a bit that sense of power."

"Well if ever I can return the favor…" a roll of eyes. "Are you going to be ok? Asuma I mean."

"For now, I have some thinking I need to do."

"If you need to talk….."

"I know" And they both walk away.


	3. Chapter 3

He couldn't believe he was sitting here, on a table, surrounded by the rubble of the once great hospital of Konoha, doing absolutely nothing. While he knew there really wasn't anything he could do with his broken leg, it still chafed not do be able to help.

"Looks like maybe you didn't think fast enough."

Head whipping around Shikamaru glared at the newcomer. "When did you get back?"

A shadow crossed Neji's eyes. "Just after."

Shikamaru glanced slightly down and to the side before looking back up into the older ninja's face. "Do you know how the rest of our friends are doing?"

"They are all doing surprisingly well. It was the first thing I checked." Hinata-sama was actually the first thing he checked. He was her protector, and therefore, she was his first concern. When he saw her being taken care of by Kou, he proceeded to check on the rest of their friends. He saw some minor injuries; Kiba and Shikamaru seemed to have gotten the worst, but all were going to be ok.

Staring off somewhere Neji couldn't discern, Shikamaru was in quiet contemplation for a moment before sighing and telling him "They won't let me help out, at least not for a few days." Shoulders drooping, Shikamaru continued. "There are too many severe injuries for them to spare a medical-nin to properly heal my broken leg. They want me to go home and rest with it in this cast for a few days until the worst have been treated."

Looking up into Neji's eyes, he said, "I don't know if I can sit back while the village is in ruins and do nothing." With a slight smirk he told him, "Of course how will they know if I take a slight detour on the way home?"

Smirking back Neji explained. "Because they sent me to make sure you got home safe and directly." The shocked look on Shikamaru's face was almost priceless. Holding his hand out to help the other up, Neji said, "We should probably use a transportation jutsu to get home."

"I wanted to walk and at least get an idea of what the damage is. I don't even know if my house is still there."

A haunted look briefly settled on Neji's face. "We should use a transportation jutsu." Staring deeply into his eyes for a moment, Shikamaru nodded. "Anyway, I checked before I came in here. Your house was far enough away. It stands."

Finally taking the hand up, the two boys stared at each other before forming the seals for the jutsu. In a poof of smoke, they disappeared from the hospital only to reappear outside Shikamaru's house. Shikamaru tried to turn and look at the damage to the village but Neji blocked him.

"Just go inside Shikamaru, it will still be here after you rested." After a brief internal struggle, Shikamaru sighed in defeat and complied, letting Neji help him inside.

Once the boys had gotten Shikamaru settled on his bed, he asked the one question that wouldn't leave him alone. "Neji, who died?"

The haunted look came back to his face as he plopped down on the edge of Shikamaru's bed. Resting his elbows on his knees and his head in his hands Neji replied, "I don't know. I didn't look that closely. I just saw the chakra signatures die out."

Placing his hand on Neji's shoulder Shikamaru waited until the Hyuga genius looked up. "How many?"

Neji tried to contain the stinging in his eyes as he replied with a hoarse voice. "Too many," before staring back down at the floor.

Shikamaru flopped back against his pillows. What he wouldn't give for Temari to be here. A good mindless fuck was what he needed right now, something to take away the pain of reality. Looking over at Neji, Shikamaru figured he could use one too.

While he knew there had been great loss in the village today, Shikamaru couldn't imagine what it must be like to watch those beacons of life slowly snuff out one by one. He could admit to himself that he sometimes envied the all seeing eyes of the Hyuga, but today was not one of those times. He liked living in semi ignorance.

"Neji?" Shikamaru waited until the other boy turned to him.

"What?"

"When do you need to be back?"

With a confused crease to his brow, he answered. "In about an hour, why?"

Instead of verbally answering, he reached for the back of the Hyuga's neck and swiftly pulled him into a kiss. The Hyuga started, then accepted the kiss. Shikamaru had helped him to forget his troubles before. If any situation called for it this would be it.

Leaning into his friend, Neji deepened the kiss, pushing back until Shikamaru was once again leaning against the pillows. Neji eased himself to the side to make sure not to disturb the other's broken leg. He was almost surprised to feel the other's hips rock into him and moaned slightly at the sensation.

That was the sound he had been looking for. Shikamaru remembered that noise from the last time he had 'helped' his friend out. Under normal circumstances he wasn't turned on by guys, but Neji very rarely lost control. Being able to cause him to do it was such a turn on. With that goal in mind he stuck his tongue down the others throat.

A surprised squeak left Neji's throat at Shikamaru's action. Deciding turnabout was fair play, he ground himself into his friend eliciting a gasp. He smirked briefly before shoving his tongue down the others throat. A brief battle for dominance in the kiss ensued until Shikamaru released Neji from his pants, causing him to let out a shaky breath, still unused to the feel of someone else touching him.

That moment of almost vulnerability on Neji's face is so alluring. Shikamaru was sure he was one of the few people who had ever seen it. It was rare for Neji to let down his guard. Firmly wrapping his hand around the older boy he started to stroke him, loving the noises coming from his throat.

After a moment, starting to get use to the sensation, Neji goes back to kissing Shikamaru. Using one arm to keep his weight off the injured boy, Neji used the other hand to undo Shikamaru's pants. Feeling slightly nervous, he lightly ran his fingertips down Shikamaru's length, pleased with the small jerk and grunt he received. Feeling a bit more comfortable because of the others reaction, he wrapped his hand around Shikamaru and started to pull.

The two boys lose themselves in each other, forgetting about everything that had happened in the village, and just concentrating on their own pleasure. Both boys had started panting hard, their mouths close enough that their breaths mingled but their lips were no longer touching. Moans were coming from both of their mouths as they speed up their paces, both so close until suddenly Shikamaru cums, spilling himself all over Neji's hand and his own stomach. The strangled cry and tightening fist cause Neji to release as well.

The boys let go of each other and Neji rested his head on Shikamaru's shoulder for a moment before falling onto his back next to the other boy. Neither one said anything, they just laid in silence waiting for their breathing to calm. After several moments Shikamaru told Neji where to find a towel so the two could clean up.

"I need to get going," Neji told him once they were both set to rights. The haunted look was starting to creep back into the eyes that would not quite meet Shikamaru's.

"I know. The village needs you," Shikamaru replied, staring up at the ceiling, feeling a little left out.

"In a couple of days they will need you too Shikamaru; remember that, and rest up for it." Turning his head to look into Neji's eyes, Shikamaru nods, then leans back and closes his own eyes until he hears the other leave. After a moment he opens his eyes to continue staring at the ceiling trying to figure out exactly what had happened today, and what he was going to do about it when he got back.

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A/N: Everyone who noticed the improved grammar and punctuation, please give a round of applause to Ceile for betaing. She managed to survive the process with her sanity intact and only a slight headache, hehe. Remember you too can be a hero and Save the Grammar, please beta today.


	4. Chapter 4

Shikamaru laid on his back trying to relax enough to fall asleep, but he wasn't having much luck. It was his first mission since the attack on Konoha. It had taken him almost a month to recover from his broken leg; there were so many in worse shape, that the medical-nins didn't have the chakra to waste on him. At least he had been able to use his brain to help out, even if he couldn't use his body. Shikamaru thought he would have gone mad if he couldn't have helped out at all.

Unfortunately, it was his brain that was getting him in trouble now. He was used to normally being able to just shut it off and go to sleep at the drop of a hat, but today that wasn't happening. He had even scheduled the watch based on it. His team consisted of Neji and Ino: Neji as the brawn, Ino the medic, and himself as the brain.

After being on a team with Ino for so many years, he knew that she needed some alone time before she could relax enough to sleep, so he had given her the first shift. Neji could sleep for short amounts of time, but did better if he could get his sleep all at once, so he had received the last. Shikamaru didn't mind the middle shift because he normally slept so easily, and the dead of night was a peaceful time to plan. It seemed like that was going to backfire on him tonight as he moved to get more comfortable.

"Can you quit fidgeting and go to bed?"

Shikamaru looked over toward Neji and saw the other boy staring at him with an exasperated look on his face. Shikamaru had thought that Neji had been sleeping for the past ½ hr. Looking back up at the ceiling of the tent Shikamaru let out a quiet, "I can't."

"Can't what? Stop fidgeting or sleep? "

Shikamaru closed his eyes and rubbed his face before giving the answer that was about to cause him grief. "Both."

Neji sniggered. "You can't sleep?"

"No."

"Shikamaru Nara can't sleep?" The laughter was still evident in Neji's voice.

Shikamaru gave Neji a few moments to calm down before he heard another snigger come from the boy. "It is not that funny Neji."

"Oh yes it is." Neji returned. "You are only known for two things; your big brain and your ability to sleep, and now you are telling me you can't sleep. It is hysterical, Shikamaru."

"Well blame the big brain. I just can't get it to shut off today."

"What do you normally do when this happens?" Neji asked. He figured, with Shikamaru's ability to analyze so much, so fast, and to such a degree, that this had to come up a lot.

"It doesn't really happen that often. Normally if I'm thinking too much to sleep, I am really not in a position to sleep." Shikamaru gave an exasperated sigh as he ran his hand across his face again. He really couldn't tell if he was frustrated with his inability to sleep, or embarrassed because Neji was witnessing a weakness.

Neji stared at his friend, watching the body movements that showed how uncomfortable he was with this, how Shikamaru refused to meet his eyes for more than one moment. Neji decided to throw out the offer he knew would be rejected. "Do you want to talk about it?"

Shikamaru glanced at Neji, then back up to the ceiling. He covered his eyes with the back of his hand as he contemplated the offer. Did he really want to share with Neji all his insecurities? To let Neji know that he was scared that this enemy might be to strong for them? That he would not be able to think of a way to keep them safe, and all would perish because he foolishly agreed to lead a team when he was so unsure of the outcome?

Konoha was so short on shinobi after Pain's attack, that Shikamaru did not have the luxury of padding his team the way he would like, or planning things out to the extent he was comfortable with. They needed to find out what was left of Akatsuki. If the information they had gathered was correct, they had still not reached the top yet, and his team had a good combination of abilities to try and find out what Akatsuki may still have in store.

Shikamaru had just closed his eyes and pushed his hand past his forehead in preparation for telling Neji that he was not up to talking when he felt a hand on his thigh. Opening his eyes, he saw Neji looming over him with a slight grin on his face.

"Maybe if not talk, then a distraction," Neji said before leaning in to claim Shikamaru's lips.

Shikamaru opened his mouth and immediately joined in the kiss; there was no shock, no hesitation. They had moved past that. Shikamaru knew that they should stop this; he really did like women, but this thing with Neji had become so comfortable. Both boys could lose themselves in the other, forget about the pain of the world around them. Lately their world had held so much pain. So he participated, ripping the shirt off the other boy's back so he could touch the skin there, lifting up so Neji could do the same, pushing Neji's pants down before taking off his own as Neji held himself above him, and, when he was done, he pulled Neji down flush, so they both moaned as their erections touched.

After a moment, Neji reclaimed Shikamaru's lips, pushing, almost frantic. He wanted no thought besides the touch of their bodies. When Neji felt Shikamaru push him back and to the side, Neji braced himself on his arms, arms strengthened with movements from a thousand strikes, a million; he had lost count of how many times he had used his family's jutsu.

Shikamaru snaked his hand down from where he had pushed on Neji's shoulder, dragging it over a nipple and past his abs until he wrapped it around both erections. He figured he must be a little sick in the head to enjoy Neji in this position so much. The older boy straining to keep position, while Shikamaru tried to get him to break, it was almost a challenge, similar to a game of Shoji: each move plotted in his brain, each small victory stored for next time.

Shikamaru used his other hand to drag down Neji's head for a kiss; he needed the distraction to keep Neji from guessing the little game he played. A particularly deep kiss, accompanied by a long stroke and a lift of Shikamaru's hips caused a shudder to rip through Neji. The older boy pulled back for a moment to regain control before giving a look to Shikamaru that warned that he knew what Shikamaru was up to and that it wouldn't work.

Shikamaru used that moment to pull out a stroke that he had used before with much success. Neji's head threw back on a silent moan; he dropped his hips for a moment crushing Shikamaru's hand in between them before pulling his hips back and leaning in for a charged kiss.

Once Neji knew he had switched Shikamaru's concentration from stroking them to the kiss, he started to move his lips across the boys face and to his ear. Shikamaru had his own weakness, and Neji licking, moaning, and breathing into his ear was it. He wasn't as oblivious to the game as Shikamaru seemed to think he was. The quickened pace of Shikamaru's stroking was a sure sign that the tables were turning.

Neji started to suck on Shikamaru's ear lobe as the boy let out muffled moans. Both boys started thrusting their hips to Shikamaru's fast, hard strokes. Shikamaru knew he was about to come and dug his nails into Neji's shoulder because he had found that a little pain was enough to send the boy over the edge, and sure enough it did.

Neji lowered himself to rest on Shikamaru as soon as Shikamaru's hand was free. It really did disgust him to have their seed smeared between them, and to know that the hand lying on his back was still covered in it. He did it anyway though, because for some reason it made him feel safe, as illogical as it was.

After a moment, Neji pulled back saying "I'll get a towel." When he turned around from having reached into his pack, it was to the sight of Shikamaru out cold. Neji just shook his head and cleaned the other boy up so that Ino wouldn't suspect. He managed to get Shikamaru's boxers back on, but gave up on the shirt and pants. He figured if Ino said anything, Shikamaru could just tell her it was hot. Then Neji laid down with a slight smile on his face and wondered if he was the victor this time.

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A/N: Ok it has finally happened, I've caved and am going to whore myself out for reviews. My last story while getting read, got no love. I guess I should be happy that I received no hatemail, but it just left me needy. Especially because this story, To Forgive Myself, is my poor little unread story that I am pretty proud of. So please, if you have a spare moment and you have enjoyed the preceeding, send some love. We must also remember to thank Ceile for her great beta work and having the patience to actually explain to me why I'm screwing up. I'm slightly dense you know.


	5. Chapter 5

Shikamaru staggered down the street, the only thing keeping him upright was Neji's grip on his waist. Shikamaru's arm was slung over Neji's shoulder and the older boy gripped the hand to keep it from sliding off. It was the anniversary of Asuma's death. Shikamaru had spent the day in memorial with Kurenai and the baby. He had been strong, making sure he was there for her, an attempt on his part to make up for bailing on everything last year.

Finally in early evening Kurenai and the baby had both went to bed, Hinata had come up to him to him and held his hand in both of hers. She had looked at him with such compassion and softly told him that she would spend the night with Kurenai. She squeezed his hand and told him he was welcome to stay with them but if he needed to go that it was ok. In that moment he understood Neji's infatuation with his cousin. All he had wanted to do was be held in her arms and cry his sorrow on her shoulder. Instead he thanked her and with a quick squeeze to her hand, he left.

Neji had found him several hours later at the most out of the way bar he could find. Shikamaru wasn't certain, but he thought Hinata may have sent him. Instead of the lecture on the pointlessness of getting drunk that Shikamaru had been expecting, Neji had pulled up a chair and joined him in a drink. The result was a slightly drunk Neji dragging home the wasted Shikamaru.

Once they had entered the door to Shikamaru's apartment, Shikamaru attempted to stand on his own. Only quick action by Neji prevented the shadow manipulator from falling on his ass. This time Neji didn't even attempt to help right his friend, he just flung him over his shoulder and carried him into his room, where he unceremoniously dropped Shikamaru on the bed.

Neji started stripping off Shikamaru's sandals and clothes. He had never actually seen Shikamaru drunk before but he knew that the boy still blamed himself for Asuma's death, no matter what Shikamaru said to anyone else. Neji figured if getting drunk once a year helped ease Shikamaru's pain then the least Neji could do was carry him home and put him to bed.

Once Neji had Shikamaru stripped down to his boxers he leaned over to throw a blanket over the boy only to be stopped by a hand on his wrist. "Stay"

Neji looked into the pleading eyes of his friend. "You're drunk Shika. Just go to bed and sleep it off." For as many times, and as for as many reasons as they had fooled around before, it just seemed wrong somehow to do it when Shikamaru was drunk and hurting.

Shikamaru pushed himself up on the bed, still clinging to Neji's wrist. "Please Neji, just help me forget." Not letting go of the wrist Shikamaru threaded is other hand into the hair at the back of Neji's head, pulling the Hyuga's head closer until their foreheads touched.

The two boys stared into each others eyes for long moments, a silent battle of wills that Shikamaru's won with a nudge of his nose against Neji's, while his eyes dropped to look at Neji's lips. Neji's sudden inhale told Shikamaru that this was the moment. Slowly he leaned in and kissed Neji. Shikamaru dragged the boy onto the bed at the same time he come up to kneel, it allowed him to press their bodies together, letting Neji's senses overtake the rationalizing of his alcohol hazed brain.

Keeping his kisses sensual Shikamaru started to undress Neji, slipping his shirt off before running one hand up Neji's back and into the hair at his nape. Shikamaru ran his other hand down Neji's back before using it to push his pants and boxers down pooling them around his knees. Shikamaru pushed down his own boxers before using his arm to pull Neji's hips into his while simultaneously using the one in Neji's hair to pull his head back,.

A gasp fell from Neji's lips as Shikamaru started to kiss down his neck, pushing at Neji's shoulders until he could get the older boy to lie down. As soon as Neji's back hit the bed, Shikamaru pushed his own boxers all the way off before fully removing Neji's pants and boxers.

Shikamaru moved so he was hovering over Neji, his hands on either side of Neji's shoulders, his knees between Neji's legs. Again, the two boys just stared at each other before Neji reached a hand up to pull Shikamaru into a kiss. Soon Neji needed more and pulled Shikamaru's body down onto him, pushing his hips up into the boy.

The two boys continued moaning and writhing against each other until Shikamaru started to move his lips down Neji's body. He wrapped his hand around Neji's shaft, stroking it as he left bite marks across the older boy's chest. He took one nipple into his mouth, biting and sucking while Neji entwined his hands in Shikamaru's hair, pulling it from the band which kept it up.

It didn't take long for Neji to become a panting, desperate bundle of need. Using the hands still in Shikamaru's hair, he pulled the boy up, kissing him with the total abandon that can only be achieved through artificial means. He wrapped his one leg around Shikamaru's, rocking his aching erection up into the boy's stomach. Shikamaru kissed him just as desperately, rocking his own hips until Neji felt Shikamaru's hand slide up his leg, while something prodded him in an unexpected area.

Neji's fingers swiftly pulled Shikamaru's head back by the hair. Confusion and slight anger filled Neji's expression. All Shikamaru could do was stare into his eyes and plead. "Please, let me do this?"

Neji saw the desperation in his friend's face. He knew Shikamaru was hurting and as much as he wanted to be there for his friend, this was an act he was not quite comfortable with. Still he would do what he could to help erase the pain, if only for a little while.

Softening his grip on Shikamaru's hair, Neji used it to pull the boy down onto the bed. Wrapping himself around Shikamaru, Neji leaned in and whispered into his ear. "I'm sorry; I'll help, but not that. I can't do that."

After a quick pull with his teeth on Shikamaru's ear, Neji moved onto the boy's neck sucking and biting while his hand wrapped around Shikamaru's erection and started to stroke. When he felt Shikamaru slip back into the moment; moaning and lifting his hips, Neji started to kiss his way from neck to belly button.

With a quick lick and bite to the flesh of Shikamaru's stomach, Neji steeled himself for the next act. With the exception of the first time, when Shikamaru had sucked Neji off, the two boys had only ever used their hands on each other. Neji figured it was now time to repay the favor.

Deciding to just go for it, Neji leaned down and licked the length of Shikamaru's erection. The surprised gasp and the rocking of Shikamaru's hips gave Neji the courage to continue. Taking the head into his mouth, Neji gave a quick lick to the slit before sucking hard. Shikamaru groaned and threaded his fingers through Neji's hair.

Soon Shikamaru was lost in sensation, moaning and thrusting his hips. Neji had to stop pumping with his hand so both could restrain the motion of Shikamaru's hips. Neji's own erection was weeping with need. He finally understood Shikamaru's comments about how turned on he got from Neji's loss of control.

Neji was also starting to understand Shikamaru's actions from earlier, because in that moment all he wanted to do was bury himself in someone and fuck their brains out. Taking Shikamaru deeper, sucking harder, bobbing his head, urged on by Shikamaru's grip on his head, Neji kept working to get the boy off. Shikamaru needed to come soon or Neji thought he would die from his own need.

Totally unexpectedly Shikamaru pulled down on Neji's head, thrusting his hips up as he released into Neji's mouth. Neji tried not to gag as he pulled back some and tried not to swallow. Apparently he had not thought this part out. Once he felt Shikamaru relax, Neji pulled back and spit Shikamaru's seed over the side of the bed onto to the floor and he didn't feel guilty at all for the mess.

Neji leaned on both hands, head hung down, as he tried to get himself under control. He had to or he was going to pounce on the other boy. After several moments, Neji was pulled against Shikamaru and into a kiss. Neji whimpered as his throbbing member was pressed into Shikamaru's stomach.

Soon Neji felt Shikamaru's erection between them. Leaning down to bite Shikamaru's earlobe, he was surprised when Shikamaru whispered into his ear, "Take me."

Pulling back to look into Shikamaru's eyes, with confusion showing in his own, Neji tried to see the reason for the statement.

"Please," Shikamaru pleaded. "If I can't take you, then take me." Shikamaru needed this. His normal relations with Neji where about comfort and release, but he didn't want or need that tonight, tonight he needed the totally oblivion of a mindless fuck, and if he couldn't do the fucking then he was willing to take it.

Neji saw no hesitation in Shikamaru's eyes. Whatever this was about it was definitely what the boy wanted, and in this moment Neji was so hard he wasn't going to question it too much. He did have one hesitation though, "I don't know how?"

Blindly reaching over to grab a tin of hand salve from the nightstand, Shikamaru spread his legs and put some on his hand. Pulling Neji back into a kiss he started to stroke Neji's member with the greased hand eliciting a moan.

Once he felt Neji was ready, he positioned the boy and pulled back from the kiss to look into his eyes. Staring at each other Shikamaru told Neji. "Push"

Slowly Neji started to push in, closing his eyes at the unfamiliar sensation. Fortunately he missed the look of pain that crossed Shikamaru's face. Shikamaru tried to relax and tried to keep himself from giving Neji any sign of his discomfort. He knew Neji would stop if he thought he was hurting him.

Once he was about half way in Neji stopped. He needed a moment to reign himself in and he knew Shikamaru needed a moment to adjust too, the tensing of the boys muscles a give away that this was not as comfortable as he was trying to make it seem. Neji dropped his forehead to Shikamaru's shoulder, wrapping his arms under the boy's sides so he could grip Shikamaru's shoulders and increase his leverage for the next thrust.

Shikamaru wrapped his own arms across Neji's back. He moved his hips in an effort to get more comfortable causing Neji to groan and pull back before slamming back into Shikamaru. A gasp fell from Shikamaru's lips, as his nails dug into Neji's shoulders. That small bit a pain was all it took for Neji to loose control and start repeatedly thrusting into the younger boy.

With each thrust, Neji drove deeper and deeper in the other. Shikamaru finally loosened up to the point he started enjoying the sensation, when suddenly Neji hit a spot that caused Shikamaru's breath to catch and his eyes to roll back. Sensing the change in the other boy and nearing his own completion, Neji drove in hard and fast, his own moans joining those of his partner before finally a long groan tore through him has he buried himself as deep into Shikamaru as he could and released, the damp sensation against his chest telling him Shikamaru had done the same.

Not even bothering to pull out, Neji collapsed on top of Shikamaru, nuzzling his face into the others neck. The hand slipping listlessly off his shoulder telling him Shikamaru was asleep moments before he too lost the battle with consciousness, neither boy thinking about the consequences of their actions.

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A/N: Sorry for any mistakes, Ceile is currently immersed in her own little bit of heaven and I don't want to distract her. I think I caught any of the big mistakes. Next Chapter is the last, but I hope this makes up for any disappointment that the end is near.


	6. Chapter 6

Neji repeatedly hit the tree in front of him, trying to take out his frustrations with himself on its poor trunk. He was hiding, like the coward he so obviously was. Tonight the members of the Konoha eleven were supposed to get together, a rare night when all were in the village and not on duty. Instead of joining them, Neji was deep in the woods, terrorizing defenseless trees in an effort to avoid Shikamaru, as he had been doing for the past two weeks. Two weeks since the most awkward morning of his life.

Neji had woken up that morning lying on his side, with a warm body against his back, and a foreign arm slung over his hip. As soon as that had registered in his brain, the memories of the night before had come rushing back. As he laid as still as possible and contemplated what he should do, the arm on his hip was suddenly whipped back, as Shikamaru rolled to his back with a gasp, apparently Shikamaru had just remembered last night too.

Closing his eyes tight, and regulating his breathing in an attempt to appear calm, Neji tried to figure out how to greet the other boy. When they had first started this, it was just a friend helping out a friend. Eventually, it had turned into a mutual distraction, a way to relieve some of the tension that had come with being alive, and able, in the wake of Pein's attack. What it never had been was a relationship, and, for some reason, last night felt like a change in that status.

Finally, Neji had rolled onto his back, and stared up at the ceiling. Turning his head to look at Shikamaru, who was also contemplating the ceiling, a look of vulnerability on his face. Neji opened his mouth to apologize; he had been the most sober, he should have stopped it. Before the words left his lips, he chickened out, with a quick, "I've got to go." He grabbed his clothes and used a transportation jutsu to escape. He thought Shikamaru might have told him to wait, but he just wasn't ready to talk yet. He'd been avoiding the boy ever since.

With that thought in mind, Neji prepared for a vicious strike against his inanimate opponent, only to find he could no longer move.

"You can't avoid me forever, Neji."

Hanging his head, with the knowledge that he could no longer avoid this conversation, Neji told Shikamaru, "I know. I'm sorry."

Letting his shadow slip down the other boy, in the loving caress he knew Neji would never accept, Shikamaru apologized. "No, I'm sorry. This was my fault. I pushed. I was drunk and needed an escape, and I used you to get it."

After Neji had bolted that morning, and Shikamaru had gotten over the initial shock he had felt upon waking and realizing he had let, no begged, Neji to fuck him the night before, Shikamaru had contemplated everything that had led them to that point. What he had discovered about himself, and their relationship, had shocked him.

Shikamaru had his whole life planned out; be a mediocre ninja, find a wife, not to pretty, not to plain, get married, and have two kids, one boy one girl. What that plan did not include was a homosexual relationship with an emotionally damaged ninja. As he had looked hard at himself, he realized he still wanted the wife and kids, but he was willing to make an exception about the emotionally damaged male ninja, as long as it was Neji.

While he had other friends, older friends, Neji offered Shikamaru something no one else did: an easy camaraderie, no nagging, not demanding. Neji was a strong enough ninja in his own right, that he did not really need Shikamaru to defend him. He also understood Shikamaru well enough to predict his needs. In reality, he would be Shikamaru's ideal mate, if not for the fact he was male. Truthfully, Shikamaru was open minded enough to disregard that part if he thought for one moment Neji would accept it.

That was the problem though; he didn't think that was something Neji could accept. Once he realized Neji was avoiding him, Shikamaru started contemplating how to get his friend back, because no matter what, he wanted his friend.

"I'm the one who should be sorry, Shikamaru." Neji said, finally turning around to look into the other boy's eyes. "You were wasted, and in pain. I should have been able to keep control of the situation, and I didn't."

Shikamaru saw the shame radiating from the others face; he knew that these next few moments would determine what direction their relationship headed. "It happened Neji. We were drunk and it happened. We need to just forget about it and go back to the way things were." Taking a chance, he eased himself closer to the older boy.

A slight blush crept over Neji's cheeks as he dropped his eyes to stare at the forest floor. "I don't think I can do this any more, Shikamaru." Neji toed the ground, in an unconscious move more often associated with Hinata.

"We don't have to do that again Neji. We can just go back to the way things were." Shikamaru tried to sound rational and not like he was pleading. He wanted what they had back, unchanged, even as he realistically knew that it could never be that way again.

Bringing his head up to again to stare into Shikamaru's eyes, Neji tried to explain. "That is just it Shikamaru, now that it has happened, I don't know if I could stop it from happening again. And…"

Dropping his eyes to again toe the ground, Neji continued. "And I don't want it to."

Shikamaru closed his eyes against the sudden sting in them. He knew this was probably what would happen, he had been prepared, and while they had not really had a relationship, this still felt like a break up. Feeling that he could finally speak without his voice breaking, Shikamaru told Neji, "That is fine, we don't have to fool around anymore, but we can still be friends right? Play the occasional game of Shogi, or just hang around and talk?"

Neji heard the pleading in his friends voice, and no matter what they were friends. Making sure to look directly into Shikamaru's eyes, and making his voice firm with conviction, Neji told him "Yes, we can still talk and play Shogi." And that was as far as he would ever let it go again, never wanting to repeat the uncertainty of the last two weeks.

Shikamaru stared into Neji's eyes for a long moment, trying to see the truth in them. Finally he forced a smile onto his lips. "Ok then, now that we have that settled, why don't we go meet up with everyone else before they start to worry. "

Neji forced a smile of his own. Wielding the pleasant voice perfected by years of practice within the Hyuga Clan, and doing it more successfully than did Shikamaru, Neji agreed. "Come on, then. Let's go have some fun."

Nodding his head in agreement, Shikamaru restrained himself from reaching out to touch Neji's hand as the boy passed. He turned to follow him, knowing that soon, they would be able to get back to a more comfortable, if not as intimate, friendship. Everything had gone exactly as Shikamaru had expected.

Except for the pain in his chest.

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A/N: Well this is the end. Thank you to everyone who read, alerted, favorited and reviewed. Thanks to Ceile for letting me use her as a sounding board and for editing. If anyone is interested, this story is a sidefic prequel to My Protector, better know as the story that wouldn't end. I have hopes though, and there will be a little Shika angst in a few chapters. Thanks again

Sleigh Belle


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